Ask A Janjaweed Militiaman: Genocidal social advice

Dear Janjaweed Militiaman,
Two months ago I lent my next door neighbor a pair of hedge trimmers and a step ladder. Now he brushes me off and refuses to give them back. When I ask him he says he will give them back after he trims his hedges. I have been asking him for a month now! His shrubs are an embarrassment to the neighborhood and his disrespect for my property is downright rude. I don’t want to involve the authorities, but I really want my things back. What should I do?
-Taken advantage of in Toronto

Dear Taken,
I will be the first to admit that getting along with our neighbors is risky business, whether it is shoddy landscaping that will lower property values, they have borrowed something of yours, or you have been commissioned by your federal government to annihilate the indigenous population. I agree the authorities need not get involved, but you must take action if you want your things back! First, armed with machete, mount your fastest camel, run your inconsiderate neighbor down and fell him with one downward slash to the throat/chest area. Second, murder all of his children and rape his wife in order to spread your seed and demoralize her relatives, thus gaining complete ethnic domination of your neighborhood. On the other hand, the threat of a small claims court action might be enough to make your neighbor act. Whichever should work.


Dear Janjaweed Militiaman,
My wife has been pushing for us to go on a fall camping trip. I finally caved, but now I find out her sister’s entire family is going too. I like camping but I hate my wife’s sister, my brother-in-law and their bratty teen! I already took off of work but I am dreading this trip. I don’t think it is fair for my wife to spring this on me; I feel robbed of my vacation. How can I get out of it?
-Feelin’ Robbed in Rochester

Dear Robbed,
You are right, it was unfair for your wife not to have told you about the in-laws before you agreed to the trip. But rather than back out and cause more marital friction, I suggest you go and try to enjoy yourself. Remember what fun toasting marshmallows and singing camp fire songs can be? If your in-laws are still too much to bear, wait for them to stray from the camp to collect firewood or food, and murder them one by one with a standard issue AK-47. Good luck!


Dear Janjaweed Militiaman,
I take the bus to work, and am forced to walk the half mile from the stop. On rainy days I wear an extra long coat and when I go up the office stairs I feel like I am going to trip and make a fool of myself. I also feel awkward hoisting my coat and skirt up with my hands. Is there a proper way to handle long coats or dresses while using stairs?
- Awkward in Akron

Dear Awkward,
It is perfectly within proper etiquette to use your hands in a situation like that. Simply tuck whatever you may be carrying under your arms or in your pockets, dangle your umbrella from your belt, grasp your coat’s fabric with both hands at the knees and lift up to your mid-thigh. This maneuver will save you some embarrassment, and if done smoothly can be quiet elegant.


Hey Janjaweed Militia Man,
So are you guys still murdering Sudanese refugees? What’s up with that?
-Just Wondering in Washington

Dear Wondering,
Yup, still going strong! I am afraid, if things keep going like this, we may run out of people to kill! Thanks for asking.


Dear Janjaweed Militiaman,
I recently bought a ’95 Cadillac DeVille from a coworker. He assured me it was “cherry” and I was getting a good deal. Now it takes forever to start and it makes this clicking sound when I turn the key. What is wrong with my car, and how do I confront this coworker about selling me a hunk of junk?
-Sold a Lemon in Lancaster

Dear Sold a Lemon,
To answer your second question first and your first question second, it sounds like your coworker is an inferior infidel, living on oil rich land. Burn his entire village and murder his livestock. Once relocated in a refugee camp, your coworker’s land can be drilled by Chinese and Canadian oil companies. The profits will go to the nation’s rulers who pay you, so you can keep perpetrating your genocide, thus getting to more oil rich lands. Think of it as a happy circle! Oh, and it sounds like your starter is shot.